“So…what do you think it would be like if your sister was actually normal?”

Your sentence is fingernails on the chalkboard of my entire being.
Two things my parents taught me are suddenly in conflict:

1.     Be honest.

2.     Don’t tell strangers to go to hell.

You just met me.  You read that one Jenny McCarthy article.

You don’t get it, I know.

You're trying to be polite, so I'll try and do the same.

You don’t get that for me, “actually normal,”

is a strangers staring in the supermarket and staring right back.

is a polite smile when she loudly tells the waitress "Hey lady, you need more pancakes n syrup!"

is reversed personal pronouns.
is Disney on Ice every year.

is watered down shampoo because she showered first. Jerk.

is deciphering hummed fragments of a song she heard one time fifteen years ago to "get that on your iPod?"

is bowling every Saturday.

is a kind of dancing that amounts to a three-minutes of high fives for the heavens above.

is flexibility.

is figuring out how to video chat after moving away because I can't live without my sister and she does not like or understand the phone.

is reading between the lines (Target has a bathroom = I gotta pee)

is a powerful hair sniff accompanying every hug.

is celebrating small victories.
is made-up words repeated to no end.

is "If you say that one more time, I swear...."

is prefacing my family before friends come over.

is getting laughed at for crying because she doesn't understand the difference between intense feelings of happiness and intense feelings of sadness.

is Robin running away terrified at the Butterfly House and me left standing there confused.

is me running away terrified at a haunted house and Robin left standing there confused.

is loving the kindest, most genuine person I've ever met.

is being the older sister, four years younger.

is no less than your "actually normal.”

My "actually normal" is different from yours.

That’s okay.
It's more than okay.
It's beautiful.

Oh and by the way the weather here is wonderful!

Being a perpetual student has its advantages.  

For the last six years, I've been working the poor college student thing.  My apartment is decorated with my older cousins' leftovers, after they began an adult life sponsored by the quintessential Bed Bath & Beyond and Target registries.  I get a discount rate at the movie theatre and work part-time.  I can excuse many shortcomings with a simple, "Oh I'm still in school."  And frankly put, I'm good at school.  I work well within the boundaries of this week's assignment or omgthishugepaper, meeting another's expectations.  Jury’s still out if that’s good or bad.

But that ends in May.  And that scares the crap out of me.  I had plans of coasting through this year with a seamless transition into the professional world because, up until now, everything had been really doable.

In the second year of program I'm in, the classes transition from, "Can you pass this test?" to "Do you have the real-life skills?" while pushing us harder and harder to find weaknesses and fix them.  It's no long about being good at school.  This process has broken me down more times than I can count, but it makes me want to be better more than I could’ve ever imagined.  And I guess that’s life, if you do it right.  Coasting doesn’t get you any where except the same place you’ve been.  If you have everything figured out, you’re either lying to yourself or leading a really boring life.  It’s okay to flounder before you can [try for dear life to] hold your own. 

By my next birthday, I’ll be settling into a new place (and hopefully stay in the same place for more than a year…or buying stock in U-Haul) after travelling Europe with a good friend and struggling to find a new job in a new profession with a new community. 

And all that is scary.  But scary is good.  Asking for help is good.  Diving into the unknown is good.  Struggle is good.  It will be okay.  It will be okay. 

Four Years Later

I set foot in my high school for the first time in four years yesterday.  It was oddly nostalgic, but spurred some writing that’s been coming for sometime now concerning college.  

Within the past month I’ve graduated, moved from a place I called home for four years, started a new job, become CPR certified, signed a lease for a studio, cleaned out an apartment, cleaned up my language, and started something new.

And that’s exciting.

But how does one put four years into one simple blog post?  

You don’t.  Well, you do, and you list. 

You list things you learned in a classroom. 

And then the stuff you didn’t.

(Because that’s really what matters.)

Ten things I learned inside the box (of Professional Building room 103 mostly):

-the two different liquids which lie in three separate sections of the cochlea

-correct use of an otoscope

-how to say “ing” and a bunch other fun things in Sign

-Latin declensions

-a parent’s emotional process of learning a child has a severe hearing loss

-APA formatting

-MLA formatting

-APA again

-lesson planning

-Greek and Roman gods and goddesses

Ten things I learned everywhere else:

-non-St. Louis driving etiquette

-never ignore someone because it might be awkward

-teamwork and groupwork are very different things

-good friends laugh their ass off with you

-great friends get you through a break-up

-confrontation is not always a bad thing

-how to pull an all-nighter for homework

-how to pull an all-nighter for a TV marathon

-be honest, always

-sweet potato browns are a gift from Heaven

I paid more money for the first list. 

The second cost me more and taught me most. 

So I’ve got a piece of paper the says I did something good.  A card from my mom said that a years ago.  Next four years, let’s just say you’ve got big shoes to fill.

(if the Mayans are wrong...)

12 Goals for 2012:

1. Journal something, anything everyday
2. Spend time reading something, anything everyday
3. Eat healthier
4. Run (ok...jog) a 5k, 10k, and a half marathon
5. Graduate
6. Be more honest with people
7. Walk and hike more
8. Move to a new place and start over
9. Be ok with wherever God puts me after graduation: city, job, relationship, living situation, whatever
10. Live each day with purpose and a smile
11. Vote in the election
12. Curse less
(ok that last one carries over from 2011)

13. And maybe this one.

People in my family are great at breaking things.
We are to breaking things as Michael Jordan is to basketball.

We've broken everything:
toilets
nails
a vintage rocking chair
hearts
a fish tank
wind
ligaments
bottles.
(luckily my dad can fix most of these)

Though at times this can be embarrassing, I’m beginning to realize that sometimes things are better when they’re broken
like eggs
and mosaic tiles
and maybe hearts sometimes.
(because brokenness is always about what you make of it)

“Everything’s gunna get lighter, even if it never gets better.” –Mates of State

There are so many things I've wanted to say, scream, sing, the last two months. Now I'm trying to bring it down to a couple paragraphs so I can make my brain focus enough to get back to homework.

Five years ago...
...I'd only worked a minimum wage job.
...my mom had cancer.
...Pluto was deplaneted.
...Mates of State made me dance like crazy.
...I'd never had a real boyfriend.
...the fate of the Jena Six was undecided.
...I thought I'd become a photographer.
...college was an afterthought.
...I was getting ready to go to Mexico for the second time.
...my hair looked exactly the same as it does now.

Well, some things never change. Some things do.

As scared as I am of tomorrow and letting go of the past, I keep coming back to what Herb (my 87-year-old fly fishing instructor) said yesterday, "Well, if nothing's working, you've got to change one thing at a time until it does."

If I become just a wince-causing name to you, it's ok.
If I become a friend, it's ok.
If I become the receiving end of a flip off, it's ok.
If I become your other half, it's ok.
If it all crumbles away, it's ok.

Give me my God and my hope and it's ok.
It is well with my soul.

The Helper

help
transitive verb
1: to give assistance or support to
2 : to make more pleasant or bearable : improve, relieve
3 : a : to be of use to : benefit
b : to further the advancement of : promote

Helping has been a recurring theme the past few months.
I work two jobs that are both 90% meeting needs on an individual basis.
When I came home, I realized I'd formed a habit of asking
Do you need anything?
Would you like me to...?
Are you hungry?
Do you need an extra napkin?
etc. etc.
1 : to give assistance or support to

Honestly, volunteering to help has a good effect on people. Seems like a no brainer, right?
Still. It works wonders. It's changed how I deal with people closest to me.
2 : to make more pleasant or bearable : improve, relieve

Finding places to help is the key.
Granted, everyone wants a hand when they're juggling sixty different things, but not everyone wants help organizing, advice, and so on.
Help is individual.
It's situational.
It's spur of the moment.
It's planned.
It is versatile.
3: a : to be of use to

Lastly, our help must be beneficial and encouraging.
It's good or it's not.
It helps or it doesn't.
It's loving or it's not.
It matures or breaks down.
It's good-willed or cynical.
3 : b : to further the advancement of : promote

After all this, join me in making an intentional effort to be useful and helpful!